Change

I bet most of you who read my blog are thinking what happened? Why do I rarely blog anymore? Honestly speaking, its because it doesn't feel the same anymore. My blog use to be a sanctuary where I could pour all my thoughts and emotions into. Regardless if it was sad or happy.

I don't know what really happened. It just stopped becoming my own personal haven. I guess things change some times. Nowadays, I hold back a lot. Whether its something really happy or sad, I don't know why I can't bring myself to put it into words anymore. The connection I use to feel by writing down all my experiences, just isn't there anymore.

The sad part is I really don't know why I feel this way. Feels like I am betraying one of my very best friends in the world because I don't tell her things anymore. I am confused. I wonder what is really wrong.

Just Nonsense

1. I wish this irritatingly mild cough would go away.

2. I wish I had better skin so I can skip the facials and have a cash surplus, since I'm always seem to be in a deficit.

3. I wish I wouldn't try so hard in certain situations and would actually try harder in others. Somehow, the balance is just screwed for me.

4. I wish somebody would buy me that pretty, pretty orange top from Forever 21.

5. I wish I would care less in certain situations and care more when it comes to others. Again, my balance on the scheme of things seem to be screwed up.

6. I wish it was easier for me to get up in the morning!

7. I miss my friends and my family back home, especially my sister, my mum, Samantha, Barbara and Debbra!

8. Why is it so hard to let go and move on even though its the right and healthier thing to do?

9. I think I am a closet sadist. Its seems like I love being self-destructive for some reason. Can I blame it on the raging teenage hormones?

10. I wish it was easier for me to keep my words.

11. How it is possible for me to be sane and rational and at the same time do the stupidest and dumbest things ever?

12. Why is it that Facebook hates me and keeps on trying to screw with me?

13. End of rant. Just wanted the rant to end at thirteen because I like the number. Many people seem to dislike the number. But, not me. I think its because I'm weird. And screwed up. Especially in the head.

Been There, Done That, And So Not Doing It Again

I always thought I was someone who had guts. Who would go all the way no matter what. I thought I would never settle for less. And I always am of the opinion that living vicariously is a waste of so much potential of what is yet to come. I always thought if you go all the way and chase after what you want, the rewards you would reap would be plentiful and abundant.

So, it just finally gets to a point where I have to eat my words. Now, in this particular situation, I am living vicariously. The initial shock has worn off by now. Currently, I am just amazed that I have so much self-discipline to continue with this charade. In fact, I am contented with what I am doing.

Its only sometimes I feel that there are chinks in my armour, whereby its either I feel like what I am getting is not enough, as in I want all there is to have or its me imagining what could actually be, and sometimes it just hurts real bad.

Usually everyone is given three strikes. I think my quota is used up. My past, strike one. Lack of reciprocation, strike two. And lastly, compatibility which is strike three. And exceeding three, I don't think I can make the sacrifices that are required to make this happen. And I don't think I can get everything I want out of this as well.

That said, it doesn't stop me from wanting to ignore all reason and logic and just go for it. Because this vicarious living does leave me feeling forlorn. But in my head I know very well, to not succumb is the right way to go about this, and to a certain extent I am very proud of myself being able to deny myself something I covet pretty badly.

I know what free fall feels like, and I also know from experience its either you crash really badly or if you are lucky you fall and land on a soft feathery mattress. I have friends who took the plunge and lucky them, they got the mattress. I tried once, I got September 11th.

Which is why in the mean time, I rather play the coward and not venture into unknown territory. My charade is like a parachute, if I decide to do away with it, it would be like cutting away the strings of my parachute. And I cannot deal with that, because I live and breathe on security, after my own personal September 11th (cue to insert derisive and pitying laughter here).

Basically this whole scenario is a bit saddening, and I do get melancholic sometimes thinking about it, but I guess this really is for the best and I'll just have to learn to live with it. I guess in general, you just really can't have everything you want. And I might as well concentrate on other aspects in my life.

???

There is actually not much of a point in acknowledgement. Because then it would be sort of like a recognition of sorts. I mean why would I single-handily give a sense of satisfaction away for free right? I mean seriously, I charge for that okay? Especially if I do not know you.

But hey, I figured I just might as well address this once and for all. Just to give my friends (especially those back home) some peace of mind. As well as my sister. Who thank God is the only family member who reads my blog.

First and foremost, Internet warfare is seriously way overrated. Its childish. Its immature. So, I see no point in responding.

Why I'm writing this is because I don't want my friends and my sister back home to freak. Because there are not here with me. So they are probably feeling like, what the fuck is going on? So guys, this post is to reassure all of you everything is fine. I am fine. And still am even after this innocuous incident.

I dress for myself. I wash my hair whenever I like. I use foundation (its not powder, okay? What are we, in the Victorian era or something?) because I just fucking feel like it. And for God's sake, if that comes off as if I am a slut whose face was vomited on, I am cool with it. I happy the way I am. People can seriously think what they like. And get a life. Bloody hell.

Even if I found something really, really annoying, pathetic, or irritating, I never had the urge to anonymously comment about it on the Web. I mean honestly, where's the fun in that? I mean just say it to their faces right? I know I would. If I cared enough that is. Sad to say, I can only bother to care about myself. And those that I love only. So, too bad.

But I am gratified to know though, despite my offensive appearance and image, it is pleasing to know that at least my literary skills are more than adequate. Since my blog is apparently more like able than me, I must confess, I can only take credit for the writing. Because the designing I have to credit Barbara instead. Let it not be said, I 'kacang lupakan kulit'. That would like another point against me, no? And we don't want that do we?

If I was really insistent on defending myself, I guess I could always blast about my achievements in college to compensate for my physical drawbacks, I suppose. But no, I think there's not much of a need I think. Those who I care about and love already know about it. My friends and family, they know. And that is more than enough.

Anyways, that is that I guess. Seriously, you guys back home, every thing's alright okay? This post is purely for your sakes. Even if I get future criticisms I don't think I am going to even bother to respond. Everyone knows that Stacie Orrico song, rite? "There's gotta to be more to life......" =)

Second Semester

Right a week since college classes officially started. How do I find it so far? Its really not bad. Kinda enjoying it a lot actually.

I dropped Accounts of course. Not that I didn't do well in it. Far from it actually. But it really just wasn't my thing. I don't really have a passion for it. I'm not just one of those people who just do certain things just because I am good at it.

In other words, it could also mean I am arrogant prick who has it too good. I just feel like sticking to my principles are worth a lot more than whatever I gain from it otherwise. I just simply want to learn what I love, not just something I am ambivalent towards. And I guess I might really come to regret it or I might not. We will see.

Everyday I start at 8.30am except Wednesdays with Economics, which I think is a good subject to start with, because early in the morning, I just pretty much prefer to absorb stuff as opposed to applying and calculating stuffs, like last semester. And we know how that turned out. It just basically feels like a miracle itself, with me being able to turn up for class at all, no?

The lecturer I got this semester is Ms. Raja Maney, Ms. Raja Shree's sister (Ms. Shree is my old Economics lecturer during the first semester). And they couldn't be different from night and day. Ms Shree is like more quiet and introvert while her sister is like really extrovert and loud. They are like total polar opposites. But still I don't have a preference. I like both in different ways.

After Economics, I have Computer Science class which I really dreaded at first, because its a subject I am totally unfamiliar with and I had no idea how the lecturer is really like. Turns out the class isn't really that daunting and Ms. Esther is super nice. Phew!

Then I have Maths class with Ms Geetha, who I really like as well. This semester for Maths, we will be doing progressions, probabilities and statistics. While last semester I did calculus, functions and graphs. Think I am going to prefer this semester more. Especially since there is no more calculus. Wheee! I still miss Mr. Latiff though. Hehe.

Lunch break at 12.15pm everyday. Then after that I have English class. Ms. Isabelle happens to be my lecturer. At first, I thought she was really strict and intimidating and I thought I was in it for a rough time, but it turns out to be that she's really funny and interesting as well as nice. It was a very pleasant surprise. But currently, she's in the USA on some business so I currently have a replacement lecturer, Mrs. Diana Hunt who is really cool too.

Last class of the day, would be Globalisation, probably my favourite class, because of the subject itself and the lecturer. Ms. Uma is the only lecturer I have from last semester, and she has always been a favourite of mine. I am so glad she lectures for Globalisation B as well.

Oh, I forgot to mention (since I try very hard not to remember), I have Moral Studies from 4-6pm on every Monday, sad to say. I thought I was done with it in secondary school. Sigh.

Anyways, it really does sound a little too good to be true, like I am trying to lick all my lecturers shoes, but I swear that is really not the case. This is how I genuinely feel. College so far really is nice. Hopefully it stays that way. Especially during the exams. Lol.

P.S : Ms. Susan and Ms. Felicia's classes last semester (Accounts and English) were wonderful too. =)

Double Standards

First semester results are already out. Like weeks ago. This is really like an overdue announcement.

I scored 4HDs and 1D. Which sounds impressive I suppose. But when you total up my scores, it only totals up to 34o marks out of 400. I lost 60 marks really. I don't deny that the results are good, but all the same it isn't that mind-blowing as well.

I admit academics is a segment of my life which I really have control over whereby I make sure it runs in the smoothest order possible with my enormous will power. Its a part of my life which I know I have done well in. But with these achievements throughout almost eighteen years of my life, comes a price.

With success comes demands and expectations to continue maintaining or better still upgrading that sort of level of distinction. At this point in time, whats expected of me to continue proving and showing my worth is to get a scholarship. Obviously monetarily it is good if I get one, but most importantly, it is again another symbol or emblem of my capabilities. And when you are like me, you have always done well throughout school, the hurdle gets bigger and bigger when you finally leave school, but still the expectation remains for me to jump over and over again the ever growing and ever increasing obstacles nonetheless.

I suppose I am complaining or whining, but I just can't help it anymore. I have reached a stumbling block. Where I am not sure what to do. Government scholarships are difficult for me to get for erm *cough cough* pretty obvious reasons. It just one of those political scenarios that is just the way it is. I am not bitter and I'm truly happy for my friends who managed to get one. Like say, Barbara. Congratulations, yeah? My feelings on the matter are more like resigned rather , its just the way it is I suppose, I don't have the energy to get all worked up about it anymore.

As for corporate scholarships available, I suppose they are marginally easier as compared to those governments ones, but they are not that easy to get too. Connections come into play to a certain degree, and I think for subjects like engineering and medicine they are more companies or associations more willing to provide sponsorship. Again, I am at a disadvantage when it comes to this situation as I do not intend to pursue any of those subjects.

Last but not least, you have university scholarships. Which usually reward base on academic merit. But you know what I think? More like insanely impossible academic merit. Unless you are willing to sacrifice all the other aspects of your life, then I guess you probably could. But I am sorry, I'm just not one of those people. I just simply can't. I don't know how to just stick my nose in a book all the time. That's just not me. I suppose the best case scenario would be to stick my principles up my own arse and be less stubborn, but I refuse to. Life should be lived to the fullest, and sticking my nose up a book 24/7 is not my idea of living my life to the fullest.

As of now, I'm currently doing MUFY and if a government/corporate scholarship is hard to come by, my best shot is a university scholarship. For Monash Malaysia, for a 25% scholarship only, you need 365/400, which is an about a 91-92% average and my current average a 85% which on its own is pretty respectable but is just plain measly if you compared it to the required average. And this you must remember isn't even a full scholarship!

I understand why the standards are set so high, the university needs funds to further improve their research an teaching quality, so they can't go around handing people scholarships like they grow on trees. I am not particularly resentful of any of these institutions for the matter, be it government, corporate or university. No, what I am truly angry and dissatisfied about is the fact that I seem to have to play by my own set of rules, which is different from everyone else's.

I really hate moaning about my grades because most of my friends would give an arm and leg to get grades like mine. But you see, what I always seem to score is never quite enough. When I scored 12As, the question was why wasn't it 12A1s? Other families would be glad, ecstatic and proud. And would be SATISFIED. I get, I get, more expectations I guess. Like I explained earlier.

I don't understand the need for me to prove myself over and over again? Haven't I validated myself enough? Haven't I done enough? Why is it that I always have to prove I can go one level higher all the time? Maybe I like where I am just fine.

But I guess lifetime mindsets and habits are difficult to alter. I am okay. I am used to it already. I guess I'll just have to suck it up like I always do and toughen it out. I just have to cross my fingers real HARD and hope a MIRACLE happens. Please let there be a way.

Anyhow, end of rant!

It is what it is. Just a rant. So, no worries, yeah? =)

Surrender

You know how people say giving up is the worst thing you can ever do? As in if you continue trying there will always a small tiny sliver of hope and chance? Those people are very wrong. Because some times quitting really is the best thing to do. Sometimes, you just need to know when to quit. Because it would be better for you and the people around you as well.

Remember in my older post, I wrote about this issue I had to deal with? I won't go into what exactly happened because at this point, I just don't see the need anymore. But I would say though, it was a lost cause. A hopeless impossibility that I failed to acknowledge because well, I was in denial and was being stubborn about it.

I really hate screwing up and I suppose it was one of the few in my life and I just couldn't deal. I insistently shove the rose-coloured glasses on and refuse to see what was exactly happening right before my eyes, right under my nose. I was stubbornly chasing after a lost cause. By hook or crook, tooth and nail. It was very saddening, really.

I would make excuses. Come up with my own reasoning to explain the situations happening. It was pretty close to full fledged denial. In fact, I think I liked being in denial back then, you know? The entire situation probably feels more justified to me due to my denial of the truth.

It was quite a few months that I have managed to keep the situations under wraps. I mean I wasn't exactly fine, but I could contain it I guess. Only like those really really close to me, knew what was going on. I could get on with my life normally, like maintain my grades, put on a happy face when socialising. It was only like certain occasions I couldn't keep up with the facade then I would break down.

But then, something triggered me off at the end of it. That was when all hell broke loose, literally like a dam bursting forth, where it just really, really spun out of control. I went nuts. Like extremely. I was so desperate. I reached a point where I was prepared to do almost anything to fix what I was going through and was feeling that time. I was willing to give up and sacrifice my pride, dignity and self-worth just so things would revert to how it used to be. It was a horrifying experience that I wish I would never have to ever go through again. It was a dark, dark period almost black hole-like. I shudder when I think back about it. The amount of crying that I did!

Although, thankfully yesterday it finally hit me. I just cannot do it anymore. I don't know how to continue going on this way because I don't have any strength left anymore. I am just wrung out to a point, where I am just dry. Like dust. I just feel empty and hollow inside. I've given everything that I could possibly give and am perfectly willing to give up even more if like certain required scenario actually arrives. I just reached a milestone where I don't have anymore to give. I basically ran out of steam I guess. I have given so much, I just don't have anything left to give. I'm tired.

It finally hit me. This really is a lost cause. And its called a lost cause for a reason. Because it's just impossible for me to ever catch up with it. It doesn't matter how much chasing I do or how fast I chase after it, its still would very much remain a lost cause. I am always left drained and exhausted at the end of it, without actually achieving anything.

I always thought letting go would be so painful and hard to do, I barely think about it because it was just too hurtful. So instead, I foolishly continued holding on. But now, I realised I could. I finally could find it in me to move on. And God it feels good! I never thought letting go would be so easy. And I certainly never predicted how good it actually feel. No more pain, hurt and stress to deal with, I feel so bloody relieved.

This feels like a new start. And I like the way it feels. Feels like I've been given a clean slate, to start over again, and damn I know I keep on saying it, but God, it feels good! Its like a weight has been lifted. I don't have something that's constantly pulling me down anymore. I never thought I could do it, and in my most darkest and bleakest moments, it felt like this day would never ever come.

I didn't even have the courage to look forward to this day because at that point in time, it seem like it was never ever going to happen. And it was scary. So scary. Because I remembered asking myself again and again, when will it finally get better or worse will I actually even get better someday? I'm just so grateful this day has finally come, words can't describe how grateful I feel.

I can now focus on me and myself only. And really live life to the fullest. Get the most I can out from it. Because previously, it was all a show. There were so many cracks that I have to plaster over so that the surface would appear smooth and shiny, while inside I'm slowly crumbling into pieces. I'm glad now I'm free of this burden that has been constantly distracting me but had to pretend wasn't for my own sake and those close to me, because I didn't want to worry or burden them, because it would be selfish to do so.

Now that I have a clear head, I want to focus on the three things that are the most close to my heart. First, is my academics. I did pretty well this semester, but I want to do even better next semester. Then, its my friends. I have friends in college who I am really really close with, and I want to fully treasure and appreciate the time left with them because two of them (you know who you are, hehe) are most likely leaving next year for Australia. I don't want to waste a single second because my future is pretty much uncertain, because where I will be going next year depends a lot on circumstance. Because there will friends that I would be leaving behind too (again you know who you are), if I don't stay.

There is also my friends back home who I feel I have neglected because of this, and for that I'm deeply sorry and would like to humbly apologise. I was so caught up with my own issues and became so depressed, sometimes I just preferred to hide in this shell I built around myself. Lastly, is my family. When I came back they made me happy by getting my mind off this to a large extent. They showered me with so much love, they prevented me from completely drowning in this black hole I created for myself. I love all of you and am again deeply humbled by the love you have for me.

Lastly, I would like to thank all my friends who have been with me through thick and thin while I was going through this. Thank you for being there for me. And this comes from the deepest corner of my heart. Carmen, seriously thank you. Thank you for listening to me without ever uttering a word of complain, when you were perfectly entitled to. Thank you for for the shoulder to cry on. Thank you for keeping me sane and preventing me from doing certain things that were really, really stupid, that I would have most certainly regretted if I had actually done it. Thank you simply for being there for me. I love you.

Thaarvena, thank you for playing the therapist role. Thank you for always letting me get everything off my chest. Thank you for always coming to my defense. Thank you for getting angry on my behalf. Haha. When I think back of your expressions when you saw me really really down, I know you care. Thank you for that.

Ji Hau, thank you as well for always being ever ready to lend me a listening ear. Thank you for being able to make me smile or laugh when I thought I never would again. You are like my personal sunshine. Thank you for being willing to be that. Remember we were having that discussion about finding me a Jacob? It finally hit me. You are my Jacob. Like how Bella says Jacob is her sun, you are mine. Minus those non-platonic feelings of course. You're like my gay-best-friend-whos-straight, including Cedric.

Tieng Dieng, thank you for all those one to one sessions we had. Thank you for being willing to put up with my crazy-ass psycho analysis. Thank you for always trying to make me feel better. Sam and Cedric, thank you for putting up with phone call and MSN rants. I really appreciate it. You guys had to put up with it for like months of my whining. And I am sorry about that. Thank you really, I love you guys.

Barbara, thank you as well for listening to me when I called and trying to help get me out of my rut. I didn't do it a lot with you, but I still appreciate the one or two heart to heart that we had. Eliyana, thank you for caring enough to ask me what's wrong, when I didn't even tell you. I am so appreciative that you cared enough to notice and ask. You noticed that I look depressed and you also noticed that I lost weight. I am deeply humbled by your concern. Last but not least, Winnie, thank you too. For listening to me whenever we meet up. Thank you for caring and asking. Like I said, I love all of you. And for one last time, thank you.

Ah, I almost forgot. There's my sister. I forgot to thank her. Sorry! I feel bad actually for doing this to her. For moaning, ranting and crying to her. Because I knew, sometimes she didn't know what to do or say. I sorry, Sa. I shouldn't have done all that. I was suppose to be the older and mature sister. I remembered once when I started bursting into tears out of the blue, she freaked. She had that panic look on her face and she started saying in a high pitched tone, "You want mee, cheh? I'll make some for you. Mee, cheh!!! Let me make mee for you! Okay, I'm going to go make mee for you now! Wait yeah? I'm going to be real quick!" I really feel bad. I shouldn't have done that to my younger sister. I was being selfish. And I am really, really sorry, Sa.

And oh, Debbra. I never spoke about this properly to you. I bet you wonder why. I guess I didn't want to come off as being a weakling. I was so embarrassed and ashamed to let you know how terribly pathetic I was, I suppose. You would have been shocked at the extent of my dejection. Haha.

Anyways ,next post would be a happier one, I swear!

Urges

This is crazy. I'm like getting this insane urge in the middle of night. As I type, its already past midnight and already one in the morning. Gosh I have no idea why this has suddenly come about. It just suddenly came out of the blue.

I..................................

Feel like.......................

Colouring my hair!!!!!!

RED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not like Hayley Williams (Paramore) red, though undoubtedly the colour is smashing on her, I highly doubt that shade would work on me.

No. What I want people, is this delicious shade which obviously has a HUGE red base, with like amber and brown undertones and just a sprinkle of gold in it that you can barely tell its there. Sort of like autumn leaves, you know?

Who comes close to having this shade of hair? Isla Fisher a.k.a Becky Bloomwood circa Confessions of A Shopaholic. BEHOLD.....

I don't know what's going on, people, but I just think its gorgeous! I'm literally salivating over it. I want it I want it! BAD!!!

But knowing how fickle I am, I have to be practical about this. Firstly, there is the initial cost to colour my whole hair in the first place. If I want the job well done, I'd probably have to drop a few hundred on it.

Then there's maintainence. God forbid, I refuse to turn into one of those people with dye jobs with their roots showing. Like say, Madonna. God knows why she has her whole head blond with her black roots showing!? So again, to prevent my worst nightmare from coming true, that is my dark roots showing against my fabulous dye job (the horror!!!), its mean I have drop cash again every month. Sigh.

Last but not least, knowing myself, there is always the possibility of me tiring of the colour (although at this point in time, HIGHLY UNLIKELY), at some near point in the future, which again means I have to spend to wash the colour off.

I suppose if I beg/plead/grovel maybe there is a slim chance of having my mum paying for the dye job, but think about it, how the heck am I going to get her to pay for the rest (maintainence and etc)?

Therefore, I'm on my own. That is to self fund. Even typing it makes me feel sad. It times like these I wish I could really be a WAG. Sigh.

But who knows, I may wake up tomorrow and decide this is the most horrendous idea in the world. So we'll see. Opinions, anyone?

AWOL

I haven't been posting much lately. That is much obvious.

What excuse do I have? None.

I know what I'm dealing with. It's gone beyond what is defined as an excuse.

Will I write about it? No. I don't have the energy and strength anymore to explain and justify the whys and wherefores.

I don't know about the future, so I will never say never. Maybe I will find myself in a better place then and I can finally put everything into words.

Honest to God, give me a few days, I will post up a proper post and all. Just let me settle my facebook and USG accounts first, ok?

Fashionably Late

That's what Grace (college friend) calls it.

My tardiness that is. Old habits die hard I suppose. Not that it is in any way an acceptable excuse. But nevertheless....

But then, you know, I never thought of terming this behaviour of mine as cute before. Not until today.

Heheh. Apparently, me being late for 30-45 minutes sometimes eventhough I live just at the condo near college is cute.

My koala is SO rolling her eyes. When she's is trying her damn hardest to curb my indiscipline.

Awww...... my poor koala. As if I don't stress her out enough.......

You know who you are........... Right, koala?

=)

Courtesy of Aldrin

All the squatting, staring and spamming is seriously getting to me, so people get ready for it...........

Tracy Tan got 12As. Uhm.....Hmphf....... As you can see, not exactly the happiest bunny in the world, am I? Honestly, am just really ambivalent towards the whole thing. Sigh. Definitely not the straight A1s I aimed for.

9A1s and 3As. Moral, Physics and Additional Maths seems to hold a grudge against me, I guess. Eh.....

Applied for the JPA scholarship. And suprisingly I got selected for the interview. Which will be at Putrajaya on the 2nd of April. Not that I have high expectations. Sunway is really alright and besides I really don't want to hope for too much and get dissapointed only in the end.

Thursday here I come.......

Dread

Its about 8 and half hours away.

I am hyperventilating between a state of Zen-like calmness and very, very mind-blowing state of nervousness that makes me want to go: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG. OMG. OMG.

I dare only to contemplate the good.

Anything else is too scary to think of.

HELP! SOS! HELP!

MADNESS

And I thought going to school was time-occupying. College is way worse.

So, who but to suffer but my poor blog?

Weekdays: Classes (here, obviously), Social Life (here), Family (a lot of phonecalls back home), Friends (those back home), Homework

Weekends: Homework, Study, Social Life, Family, Snooze..... (lots of it)

And its just three weeks only so far. Imagine that.

But I really like it here so far. So I am glad. And grateful my parents and grandparents agreed to send me here.

Anyways, have class soon. Have to stop here.